Suicide and Addiction

*(J) I’m going to go a little out of our norm and extremely out of my comfort zone with this post which might not be so family-friendly. It’s about touchy subjects that some may be offended by. I just wanted to warn people in advance. 

Suicide-and-Addiction

There’s a couple of subjects that have been on my mind for many years now. I’ve written post upon post about them but for some reason or another I just couldn’t bring myself to hit that publish button. These issues hit me really hard over the last few days: suicide and addiction. See, I lost a friend to suicide a few days ago due to addiction. Myself and many others knew of his addiction as we were friends and did keep up on social media. Not so often in real life as we did when I lived closer but we kept up nonetheless. In a video that he previously recorded, it was quite obvious that he had lost hope and was desperate for a change, an end. Suicide was unfortunately that end.

I know that many people in this world look down on others, addicts especially, and I’m sure that some are probably thinking “the world is better off with one less in it”. I’ve heard it all before and it really irks me! Why does it bother me so much? Because I’m a recovered addict who’s also seen the side of death that seems more inviting than the daily hell that an addict goes through. Drugs were a friend to me when the world wasn’t. My life was in turmoil. I had just went through a bad break-up in which I had fathered a son whom I haven’t seen in many years due to his mother constantly relocating. Using kids to make the ex-partner suffer isn’t right. I took it very hard and turned to drugs to cope. I soon became tired of wanting/needing them to feed my happiness and numb the thoughts going through my mind. Detox didn’t help because I would end up back in the same situation with the same people surrounding me. Thus causing me to turn to another addiction to replace the one that I just got away from. It was a vicious cycle and suicide/death seemed like the only way(s) to make it all stop and by the video that I saw, I assume my friend was in that dark place and deep within it. I hit rock bottom many times and many of those times I should have died. I’ve had my stomach pumped and have been strapped to a gurney in the ICU because I attempted suicide and was found by someone, numerous times. I now say & think; thankfully, I had someone or something watching over me because I’m still here! Sadly, this wasn’t the case for my friend and it wasn’t the case for my friend a few years ago who also took his own life. 

R.I.P. my friends.

Suicide-and-Addiction

We as a human race seem to judge others without knowing the battles that they are going through or have gone through that would have put them in the position that they are in. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Some people are able to deal with them, others aren’t.

It’s been seven years now that I’ve been clean thanks to the wife. I can’t say that I don’t still have the urges or experience the euphoria that I used to feel when getting high. Certain smells and tastes remind me of the drugs, having to take medicine that involves a needle or having blood drawn still occasionally makes me weak in the knees because it sets off triggers in my brain (being a type 1 diabetic and renal patient doesn’t exactly help). These symptoms haven’t went away in seven years and the thought of death often crosses my mind. This time it’s crossing my mind in a different way. I think of how I’ve lost two friends to suicide because they were no longer able to tame the addict and demons inside them. I think of their families, friends and life partners left behind to deal with the aftermath. I think of how many times that could have been me. And I think about all of the men out there that suffer in silence!

It’s not easy for me or any man to talk about the way we feel or to admit that sometimes death seems promising. I’m hoping that by sharing my sorrows and my story that I can help someone that’s hurting realize that they aren’t alone and that #ItsOkayToTalk

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or visit: CASP/ACPS for educational information.

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5 responses to “Suicide and Addiction

  1. This is a great post, a subject that should have more dialogue in today’s society.
    Addiction is crippling – emotionally & physically.
    A family feels helpless when a loved one is self-destructing by using drugs. I really hate when people just see others solely as “addicts or junkies”.
    These “addicts” have loved ones; they were once innocent people who were not addicted to drugs; they had dreams, and becoming an addict wasn’t one of them.
    Humans need compassion and less judgement. What a concept!

  2. Thank you for your words and thoughts. Our young women and especially young men need to hear these words. I have lost several friends and family members to suicide. I know that they have ended their pain, but have left often devastating pain on their loved ones. The wonder of what could I have done… As a mother of an addict, the hardest thing I ever had to do was draw that line where his decisions no longer were our burdens to bare. As much as I loved my son, his behavior was affecting his siblings. We could no longer help him. Happily he is still alive, and I pray that he is getting help for the demons that haunt him. I feel I have failed him, but as a man now, he must seek his own way, despite what I wish for him. He needs to want it for himself. Continue with your journey, and remain clean for yourself as you have much to offer our young people.

    • Thank you for your kind words Jan. I’m sorry to hear of the pain that you’ve went through losing friends and family to suicide as well as the pain of losing a son to addiction. You are absolutely right about it leaving us wondering what more we could have done to help them as well the pain of feeling like we gave up. It’s not always easy to read the signs of someone who is contemplating suicide making it harder to know what is truly going on. I put in a façade to make my life seem okay. As for the addiction, I had people who were unknowingly helping me feed my habit. I wanted out and was able to tell them that I was using the money for drugs and not to give me anymore until I could clean myself up. I think of the amounts of money that was given to me and the amounts of stress that it caused. I don’t blame you whatsoever for having to say enough is enough! ~J~

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