*(J) I’m going to go a little out of our norm and extremely out of my comfort zone with this post which might not be so family-friendly. It’s about touchy subjects that some may be offended by. I just wanted to warn people in advance.
There’s a couple of subjects that have been on my mind for many years now. I’ve written post upon post about them but for some reason or another I just couldn’t bring myself to hit that publish button. These issues hit me really hard over the last few days: suicide and addiction. See, I lost a friend to suicide a few days ago due to addiction. Myself and many others knew of his addiction as we were friends and did keep up on social media. Not so often in real life as we did when I lived closer but we kept up nonetheless. In a video that he previously recorded, it was quite obvious that he had lost hope and was desperate for a change, an end. Suicide was unfortunately that end.
I know that many people in this world look down on others, addicts especially, and I’m sure that some are probably thinking “the world is better off with one less in it”. I’ve heard it all before and it really irks me! Why does it bother me so much? Because I’m a recovered addict who’s also seen the side of death that seems more inviting than the daily hell that an addict goes through. Drugs were a friend to me when the world wasn’t. My life was in turmoil. I had just went through a bad break-up in which I had fathered a son whom I haven’t seen in many years due to his mother constantly relocating. Using kids to make the ex-partner suffer isn’t right. I took it very hard and turned to drugs to cope. I soon became tired of wanting/needing them to feed my happiness and numb the thoughts going through my mind. Detox didn’t help because I would end up back in the same situation with the same people surrounding me. Thus causing me to turn to another addiction to replace the one that I just got away from. It was a vicious cycle and suicide/death seemed like the only way(s) to make it all stop and by the video that I saw, I assume my friend was in that dark place and deep within it. I hit rock bottom many times and many of those times I should have died. I’ve had my stomach pumped and have been strapped to a gurney in the ICU because I attempted suicide and was found by someone, numerous times. I now say & think; thankfully, I had someone or something watching over me because I’m still here! Sadly, this wasn’t the case for my friend and it wasn’t the case for my friend a few years ago who also took his own life.
R.I.P. my friends.
We as a human race seem to judge others without knowing the battles that they are going through or have gone through that would have put them in the position that they are in. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Some people are able to deal with them, others aren’t.
It’s been seven years now that I’ve been clean thanks to the wife. I can’t say that I don’t still have the urges or experience the euphoria that I used to feel when getting high. Certain smells and tastes remind me of the drugs, having to take medicine that involves a needle or having blood drawn still occasionally makes me weak in the knees because it sets off triggers in my brain (being a type 1 diabetic and renal patient doesn’t exactly help). These symptoms haven’t went away in seven years and the thought of death often crosses my mind. This time it’s crossing my mind in a different way. I think of how I’ve lost two friends to suicide because they were no longer able to tame the addict and demons inside them. I think of their families, friends and life partners left behind to deal with the aftermath. I think of how many times that could have been me. And I think about all of the men out there that suffer in silence!
It’s not easy for me or any man to talk about the way we feel or to admit that sometimes death seems promising. I’m hoping that by sharing my sorrows and my story that I can help someone that’s hurting realize that they aren’t alone and that #ItsOkayToTalk!
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or visit: CASP/ACPS for educational information.